We Say We Want More. So Why Are We Still Choosing Less?
There’s an invisible thread running through the lives of a large number of women…
Possibly 70% or more of women—smart, capable, driven women who quietly carry a painful struggle they can’t quite name.
They feel stuck. Confused. Frustrated. Held back—by something they can feel but can’t fully explain.
They overthink. Second-guess. Silence their ideas. Work twice as hard just to feel “good enough” or “valued.”
And for too long, they’ve believed it’s just them.
But it’s not just them.
And it’s not just you.
Over 70% of women are estimated to feel this way.
But few are talking about it.
Most are keeping their struggles silent and hidden.
What’s Really Beneath the Struggle
Underneath so much of our self-doubt, burnout, people-pleasing, and perfectionism is something still widely misunderstood and rarely discussed—something I believe is the biggest obstacle women face today: the Mother Wound.
And just to be clear, the Mother Wound is not about blaming your mother. It never is.
It’s about understanding the patterns, beliefs, and emotional dynamics that were passed down—generation after generation—through silence, sacrifice, and survival.
Our mothers (not all of them) were shaped by a society that told them to be small, quiet, accommodating, and selfless.
Without even realizing it, they passed those same beliefs down to us. They were modeled. They were normalized.
So, we become women who:
discount our needs
question our worth
shrink our voice
put everyone else first
We work hard to be liked, accepted, and approved of—to keep the peace and avoid rocking the boat.
We stay in the background, afraid to take up too much space.
We don’t trust ourselves to lead, speak up, or go after more.
And on top of all that—as if we need more to overcome—we’ve been conditioned to compare and compete with other women.
These Are Not Random Patterns
These patterns aren’t random—they’re often symptoms of the Mother Wound.
This Healthline article offers a helpful look at common signs and emotional effects many women experience from the Mother Wound, including chronic self-doubt, people-pleasing, low self-esteem, and difficulty trusting themselves.
We learn to perform. To pretend. To overachieve.
To smile when we’re exhausted. To carry it all without asking for help.
To silence our pain in order to appear strong.
But at what cost?
While deep down, we don’t know why we’re doing it—or who we really are underneath it all.
This Isn’t Just Personal─ It’s Collective
This isn’t just a personal struggle. It’s a collective wound.
One that shows up in:
Our workplaces,
Relationships
Families
Confidence
Even how we treat other women
It keeps us divided.
It keeps us small.
It keeps us invisible.
It keeps us disempowered.
And it keeps us from living the lives we were meant to lead.
And Yes—Men Have Mother Wounds, Too
While my focus is on women, it’s important to acknowledge that this wound doesn’t only affect us.
Men carry mother wounds too.
Their symptoms may look different—emotional detachment, workaholism, control issues, or difficulty with intimacy—but the roots often trace back to early maternal dynamics.
This article by Rudy De Waele explores how the Mother Wound shows up in men’s personal lives and professional behavior. It’s a valuable read if you’re curious about how this might show up in your partner, son, brother, or male peers.
I’ve Lived This, Too
In my coaching practice, I see this again and again.
The details may vary, but the patterns are the same: Staying small and silent. Hiding. Questioning our worth. Judging and doubting ourselves. Not trusting ourselves. Living disconnected from who we truly are.
I had my own mother wounds.
While I was successful, well-liked, and confident on the outside, I was living oppressed. I kept myself small and quiet in certain dynamics, never confronted others, or participated in conflict.
I people-pleased.
Struggled with boundaries, perfectionism, overachieving, indecision, overdoing, overthinking, and more.
At times, I would feel paralyzed with overthinking—worrying how others might respond, sitting in indecision, and in turn staying stuck in inaction.
I was my clients many years ago—and now I guide them to the freedom I’ve found.
The Big Questions We Must Ask Ourselves
As women, it’s time to make a choice and ask ourselves powerful questions:
Do I want to continue living in struggle—and how is it serving me?
What do I want the rest of my life to be? Free, empowered, small, or suffering?
What legacy do I want to leave behind?
If I’m a mother, what kind of daughter do I want to raise and launch into the world? What am I modeling—and possibly passing down?
Do I want to heal myself—and help other women rise, too?
Do I want to be part of something bigger— a collective movement where women rise together instead of comparing and competing with one another?
Why the Mother Wound Runs So Deep
As young girls, we need our mothers to show us we are:
Approved of.
Important.
Safe.
Valued.
Unconditionally loved.
Free to be ourselves.
Worthy of existing.
Our mother shapes our earliest sense of worth, safety, identity, and voice.
When those core emotional needs aren’t met—or are met with the opposite—we’re left with invisible wounds.
In adulthood, those wounds can manifest as struggles with self-worth, identity, emotional safety, or the ability to speak up or take up space.
Our mother is our first relationship.
She teaches us what to believe about ourselves, how to relate to others, and what kind of love we deserve.
When those foundational messages are absent or distorted, we grow up with unseen gaps—gaps that quietly shape how we live, love, and lead.
That’s the Mother Wound.
And it often forms long before we’re old enough to understand it’s happening.
This article by Verywell Mind offers a thoughtful overview of how those early relational wounds shape us in adulthood.
It’s Not About Fixing Ourselves─ It’s About Freeing Ourselves
Healing the Mother Wound isn’t about fixing ourselves.
It’s about uncovering what’s in the way so we can finally become who we were always meant to be.
It’s about finally understanding:
Why we feel what we feel
Why we react
Why we get triggered
Why we choose and stay in unhealthy relationships
Why we make the same painful choices again and again
We get to choose a new way forward—one that honors our voice, our peace, truth, and our power.
And we don’t have to rise alone.
Your Next Steps:
This is your invitation.
If something in you knows you’ve been held back…
If you’re tired of wondering what’s wrong with you…
If you’re ready to stop your cycle of struggle...
Then now is the time to begin.
Step 1: Take the Free Quiz
👉 Take the Mother Wound Quiz to start identifying what’s been holding you back.
Step 2: Explore the 6-Week Mini Mastermind
👉 Learn about Mother Wound Awakening™ — a transformational, intimate group experience to help you start reclaiming your true self and power.
Step 3: Book a Complimentary Clarity Call
👉 Schedule a call to walk through your quiz results and discuss the right next step for you.
You don’t have to keep living beneath the surface of your life.
You were meant for more.
And it starts with one bold choice.
Heidi Carlson
Mother Wound Coach
Heidi Carlson Coaching
heidi@heidicarlsoncoaching.com
Follow me: LinkedIn, Instagram & Facebook
More to Explore:
🎧 Listen to my interview on The Grow Like a Mother Podcast
🎧 Listen to my interview on the Living Beyond Expectations Podcast